"Couples, Couples, Couples"
There are so many ongoing contributing factors to dissatisfaction in relationships.
Often the dissatisfaction is centered around, "You are not meeting my
needs", even though these actual words are rarely spoken from either partner.
The message "You are not meeting my needs" is usually delivered in the
disguised form of, (fill in the blank with the many responses you have heard or given over
the years). If you were more______ or less____, then I would be content.
My experience is the person is only content for a brief period of time.
Typically, they are seeking that ever so elusive feeling of happiness from someone or
something else. I ENCOURAGE MY CLIENTS, BOTH PARTNERS, TO BE ON THEIR OWN PATH OF
SPIRITUAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENT, RATHER THAN HOLD THE OTHER PARTNER RESPONSIBLE
FOR THEIR CONTENTMENT. This concept is readily understandable, yet at times very
difficult to implement or maintain.
As we grow we become less pre-occupied with our own needs and are more able to focus on
our partner's needs.
Back to you are not meting my needs. Often the spouse or the spouse to be is
seeking someone to be the parent (mother-father figure) they had or wishes they had, of
course this is not communicated and not readily obtainable, since we can't refeel,
re-think or re-do past relationships.
Our today partner can't really become our yesterday's hoped for parent. Not
really. Even though this is a truism, it does not prevent the spouse from seeking an
inordinate amount of their sense of value and personal fulfillment from their partner.
It has been my experience both personal and professional that many partners-to-be, seek
someone to give to their unmet needs, rather than the complimentary focus of giving to
each others needs while seeking a healthy balance in our day to day living.
Often one spouse is willing or even wants to e the nurturing and or controlling
spouse-parent (spouent) in the couples relationship.
This arrangement is usually not spoken, therefore, not negotiated by either person.
Yet it can produce what appears to be a "contented" relationship for both
partners for an unspecified period of time. Usually, until one of the partners
declares! Enough already, you can't be my spouse-child (spouild) any longer since I am no
longer willing to be your spouent.
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"Benefits of acting with wisdom"
Proverbs 3:1-9
My son, do not forget my teaching. But keep my commands in your heart, for they
will prolong your life many years and bring you prosperity. Let love and
faithfulness never leave you, bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your
heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In
all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Helpnote: "Bind love and faithfulness around our necks and write them
on the tablets of our hearts". There is such visual power in these statements.
As we do, do, do, do what God instructs us to do we gain favor and a good name in
his sight. His word says we even gain favor with those who have blamed during our
emotional and spiritual voids. Oops! As we start to think about those
who we have blamed, we start to doubt God's promises, but we are called to remember and
act on his promises "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your
own understanding".
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Problems & Goals
Being intolerant of our own weakness, not owning our own hurts and not seeking God's
reassurance can lead to blaming others and result in the following in relationships.
- Frequent arguments or disagreements that cause excessive tension.
- Disagreements that are not restricted to specific problems but become global such as
attacking the partners core personality traits.
- Attempts at resolving problems lead to more tension & conflict than the original
problem.
- Efforts to change one's partner's behavior produces a coercive response from the
partner. Subsequently, the partners become stuck in the blaming cycle, which seems
to never end.
Some goals that this couple might seek are:
- Move towards developing an attitude of acceptance toward each other, showing forgiveness
(God forgives us. This attitude helps us be forgiving of others). Seek
acceptance of each others unique personality.
- Allow for differences of opinion.
- Express healing feelings rather than the more protective aggressive emotions that
promote defensiveness and retaliation.
- As we strive to come into God's wisdom, realize and accept his will.
- Continue to increase and/or decrease meeting some developmental-recreational needs
outside the relationship, rather than fostering an unhealthy dependency on one another.
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"Notable Quotes. . ."
Psalm 86 A prayer of David-
Theme: Devoted trust in times of deep trouble.
Author: David
"Hear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I
am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you. Have
mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long.
Bring joy to your servant, for you, O lord, I lift up my soul. you are forgiving
and good, O lord; listen to my cry for mercy. in the day of trouble i will call to
you for you will answer me.
Helpnote: Sometimes our trouble or pain is so great that we find someone
to blame rather than seek God's assurance and his comfort as we go through the pain.
Remember that God will strengthen us during difficult times and will give us the
strength we need so that we may not blame our loved ones during times of anger and pain.
Rather, we affirm them as he affirms us.
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"Stress: How you can experience rest
when life swings out of control." by Barb Peil, Insight for Living.
When too much stress invades our lifes, we desperately need the relief found in God's
Word and sensible living. The following are some "stress busters" for your
body and soul:
Spend daily time in unpressured prayer and Bible reading. You may want
to journal your thoughts afterward in order to pinpoint specific struggles.
Keep short accounts with God. Unconfessed sin or a lack of trust
or obedience creates a sense of distance from God.
Examine your own personality. Are you preprogrammed to struggle with
stress? Ask yourself the following questions:
- Am I competitive or easily angered?
- Am I easily irritation by delays or have a low tolerance for frustration?
- Do I appear confident but actually struggle with insecurity?
Commit to make "God's thoughts, your thoughts" by memorizing
Scripture. Pick verses that help you reflect on God's character and His faithful
work in your life.
"Intentionally" relax. Medical fact: when you
physically relax, you don't remove stress, but you can cope more effectively with it.
Exercise. You'll be amazed how the pressures of the day fall into
perspective after a brisk walk, bike ride, or swim.
Be careful of your diet. A high-fat, high-sugar diet simply makes the
body work harder than it should. Excess sugar consumption also exaggerates the
impact of any normal stressors.
Steer clear of caffeine, nicotine, and alcohol. Though they may appear
to calm frazzled nerves, these chemicals have serious consequences later on.
Remember, stress is a normal part of life. It is unavoidable. James 1:2
says, "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials. . ."
Not if, but when. Think of stress as your spiritual ally as you allow it to
push you closer to God's side.
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"Conversation Starters for You and
Your Kids. . .
from INSIGHTS FOR LIVING"
What is your favorite color, television show, class, outfit, or food?
Who is your favorite teacher or friend?
When you're faced with a problem (be specific), how do you solve it?
What do you think about when you're by yourself (or in another setting)?
Why have you chosen _______ as your friend? What do you like about
him/her?
When you think about God, what makes you happy? What makes you scared?
Do you know you've influenced my thinking? Here's how. . .
Did you know you've taught me how to _____ ?
When you're a mom or dad, what would you do when _____ ?
What would be the best way I could encourage you? Discipline you?
Teach you?
Remember to ask your kids these questions as they grow, adapting your angles to their
age and maturity level.
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"Finding Balance"
Acknowledge you have a problem
Be accountable to someone for your schedule.
Cut out ____ % of your outside involvement.
Don't add a new activity to your schedule without eliminating another.
Allow time in your schedule for doing nothing.
Set a time budget and live within it.
Forget quality time - it's quantity time that counts.
Cherish the time you have with your children now.
Maintain your perspective. There is a time for everything, maybe it is
just not now.
If you are a workaholic, get help before it is too late. Symptoms of
workaholicism often mask deeper emotional problems such as depression or low self esteem.
consider outside help from your pastor or a counselor.
"Do you have difficulty. . ."
Seeing persons and situations realistically; feeling that you are responsible for
thoughts and actions of others; being controlled by others, and in turn are controlling of
others; feeling unhealthy amounts of hurt and anger; feeling guilty for things about which
you have no control over. Is it very difficult for you to give and receive
compassion.
You may see a common thread in one or several of these points. . . Changes can
be made. We don't have to feel like we are stuck with no way out. There are
caring counselors waiting to help.
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