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HOW TO BECOME A BETTER LISTENER
Show interest in the other person and what is being said.
Use nonverbal behavior to convey interest and to encourage the speaker to continue. Your
full attention enables the speaker to feel valued and to communicate more clearly.
Concentrate on what the speaker says.
Listen to the person's entire message before deciding how to reply. By concentrating on
your response instead of focusing on the speaker's comment, you may lose the meaning of
the message. Remember the last thing the speaker says may provide you with a new
perspective on all that was said before.
Listen to more than just the words.
To discover the true meaning of the speaker's message, pay attention to the tone of voice
and observe facial expressions and other nonverbal signals, such as body posture.
Look for commonalties to join around.
If you want to really understand what another person is saying, you need to remember that
you are not engaged in a debate or an argument. Look for commonalties on which to build a
conversation.
Listen for key words and phrases.
As you attempt to see the world through the eyes of the speaker, try to note key words and
phrases, e.g., ''I feel, I think, I see" provides clues. Note this type of listening
requires you to take the speaker's feelings into account, even if you don't share those
feelings.
Check out your interpretations with the speaker. Don't assume!
To make sure the message you heard is the same as the one the speaker intended to send,
restate (paraphrase) what the speaker has said. Remember, if you are in a long-term
relationship with someone, you may make assumptions. That is, you may hear what you expect
to hear and not what the speaker is actually saying.
Remember, Iistening is faster than talking.
The speaker needs time to tell his story in his own way. Because what the person says next
may be the most important part of the conversation. Do not jump ahead of the speaker.
Avoid interrupting.
Build the conversation on what the person has already said.
Try to link what was said earlier to what is presently being discussed. This indicates to
the speaker you have been listening.
Use open-ended questions.
Try to ask open-ended questions which could be answered in more detail than a close-ended
question. An example of an open-ended question is "What is some of your memories
about your marriage?" A closed-ended question would be "How many years have you
been married?"
Remember, the speaker is not you.
Each person expresses their ideas in their own unique way, always listen for meaning and
do not quarrel about words.
Avoid negative, insensitive responses.
Be aware of your own feelings about negative, insensitive responses and do not respond
this way to the speaker. Such responses cause people to feel put down and inadequate.
Consider people who tend to use these responses because of their own feelings of
discomfort or inadequacy. The negative responses which occur most frequently in groups are
the denial or rejection of a person's feelings.
Methods that help or hinder communication
| Helping Communciation | Hindering Communication | |
| Using understandable word's | Giving advice | |
| Reflecting & Clarifying Summarizing | Preaching and Moralizing Placating | |
| Using open-ended questions | Using sarcasm/inappropriate humor | |
| Checking assumptions' | Probing and questioning excessively | |
| Stating your own feeling's | Directing and Demanding | |
| Using verbal reinforces, ''I see, | Patronizing, Intellectualizing, Blaming | |
| I understand, I hear you" | Lecturing, shaming, ridiculing | |
| Focusing on the speaker | Talking about yourself too much | |
| Using the speakers name | Never talking about yourself | |
| Using a calm, pleasant voice | Trying to top the speaker's feelings | |
| Being open and respectful | Responding too quickly | |
| Giving good eye contact | Looking away from the speaker | |
| Nodding your head occasionally | Frowning, scowling, yawning | |
| Appropriate touching | Shaking a pointed finger | |
| Sitting in a relaxed position | Being rigid, staring, shouting, | |
| Keeping hands and arms open | Doodling, fidgeting, checking the clock |
Please circle the ones you believe that you practice, add ones that are not included.
If you see yourself making progress on a particular trait, please indicate that somehow
for yourself then recheck yourself every week for a few months to see how you are doing. This
is a two way process, both individuals have to want to make progress. It is not about one
person doing most of the giving most of the time. It requires give and take, not take and
take. An individuals attitude while using healthy communication methods indicates the true
energy within. We can't pretend to be positive, caring and compassionate towards one
another, either we are or we aren't.
