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EFFECTIVE RESPONSES TO ANGER
| STRATEGY | VERBILIZATION |
CIRCUMSTANCES |
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Defuse the anger by validating the content. |
In empathic tones, "What your saying makes sense. I agree that..." | When other is escalating in an attempt to get heard. | ||
| Detoxify the situation with an apology. | "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you. What upset you in what I said/did?" | When anger has been a strike back to a perceived hurt. | ||
| Detail the situation, adding one's own point of view. | "I understand better now
what you're upset about. Let me add what was going on with me when x happened.....'' |
After a detoxificatlon or
defusion. When a "hot reactor" has experienced a strike back reaction because of
misinterpretation of other's actions. |
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| Define the objective | ''I hear you're angry. What would help you feel better? What do you want?" | When you messages; blame, criticism, and complaints are obscuring what someone wants and a switch to I statements is needed. |
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| Describe the anger and deescalate or disengage | "We're fighting. This Is not constructive." Followed by alternatives, e.g., "Lets discuss this in the morning, after dinner, etc. | When anger levels make information exchange impossible. | ||
| Delete the Interaction | "We're getting agitated. Let's back up and start the discussion again." | When excessive voice volume or accusatory attitude flare, but participants know how to discuss conflicts better. | ||
| Delve under the anger | "If you weren't feeling angry now, what would you be feelIng? What feelIng Is under the anger?" | When anger covers fear or shame. | ||
| Dead end the anger by escalating over it and insisting on a halt. | In a firm voice, "Stop! That Is enough! We'll talk again later ." followed with disengagement from the situation or distraction onto another subject . | When anger is escalating into potentially destructive interactions. |
From conflict to resolution by Susan Heitier, Ph.D., provided by Birdsong Education ~ Counseling Services
